Savor the moment, Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton, because this morning, the presidential campaign doesn’t just enter a new time zone, it enters a whole new world.
Welcome to New Hampshire.
Enjoy your victories in last night’s caucuses, because it’s going to be a little different a week from tonight. Bernie Sanders wins for sure, and as for Donald Trump, how did he describe New Hampshire last night?
“I think we’re going to be proclaiming victory,” he said, sounding subdued for once. “I hope.”
As for Hillary, did she really screech that she “stands in the long line of American reformers” or that she would defend women’s rights, as her misogynist husband stood behind her, slack-jawed, looking as ancient as Bob Dole?
“I stand here tonight breathing a big sigh of relief,” she said. That’s the spirit — of someone who just walked away from a car wreck she herself caused, and who is about to get into a new vehicle … with no brakes.
So now the candidates head back east, for a final sprint in New Hampshire. Here are a few predictions about the next few days:
At the last moment, Hillary’s campaign will cancel an event in Goffstown, after realizing that it’s where the N.H. women’s state prison is located.
Marco Rubio will campaign door to door in Londonderry with his celebrity surrogates — the Fox News anchors.
Sid Blumenthal will arrive, and immediately be assigned a designated driver, who will be instructed to drive around Nashua if necessary.
Hillary will weep — especially when she gets her overnight tracking poll numbers against Bernie.
Bernie Sanders will use the “w” word — working, as in working-class, even though practically none of his supporters actually work.
Jeb Bush’s handlers will be hampered by their inability to find the right-sized venues for their campaign rallies — phone booths.
Cruz will shake hands with hundreds of voters, and say to each one, “God bless, my friend.”
On Saturday, Chris Christie will hit six all-you-can-eat school pancake breakfasts in Hillsborough County, before repairing to the Red Arrow Diner for King Moe’s Breakfast and a Maple Sausage Patti Benny — at all three locations!
The Seabrook tattoo-parlor owner offering free Donald Trump tramp stamps will get his 15 minutes of fame, and then some.
John Kasich will brag about his endorsement by the Union Leader, to which most voters will reply, “What’s that?”
The Hearst family, which owns Channel 9 WMUR, will make so much money this week from the anti-Rubio TV spots bought by Jeb Bush’s super PAC that they will be able to buy not one, but two, new San Simeons.
Bill Clinton will map out his campaign itinerary by googling the words “New Hampshire” and “gentlemen’s clubs,” after which he will announce to Hillary’s advance man, “Y’all ever been to this here ‘Gold Club’ in Bedford?”
As she concedes to Bernie Sanders a week from tonight, Hillary will shout, “On to South Carolina!” — in a Southern accent.
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