Can I have the bullhorn please?
I would like to address all of you rioting hippies, fifth-generation welfare leeches and assorted illegal immigrants who are currently looting, burning and carjacking your way across the college campuses and free-stuff districts of America.
First of all, can we describe these civil disturbances for what they really are? These are not “anti-Trump” riots, they are “pro-Hillary” temper tantrums.
Tuesday was the revolt of the working classes. Now we have an ongoing insurrection of the non-working classes.
All the same Occupy vermin who camped out on the Greenway to protest the corrupt patriarchy of Wall Street one-percenters are now protesting the fair-and-square defeat of the corrupt candidate who was supported by 99.99 percent of Wall Street one-percenters.
I beseech you snowflakes. Put down your therapy puppies and your Molotov cocktails.
President-elect Trump has asked me to personally reassure you that he has no plans to compel anyone to actually get jobs in this new post-Trumpocalaypse America.
Nobody will intrude on your safe space — the couch in front of the wide-screen TV in your mom’s Sect. 8 apartment.
Dudes, look on the bright side of what happened Tuesday — your midterms have been canceled, and weed is now legal.
They’re not bright, obviously — have you seen the photo of the protester with the sign demanding “Deport Fashiosm”?
Apparently they’ve already deported Spell Check.
But I think I’ve figured out why the Young Democrats are so distraught. They believed, and apparently continue to believe, that post-election, we were planning to do to them what they were planning to do to us.
The reality is, all us deplorables have ever asked for is to be left alone. We were voting in self-defense. Hillary Clinton was the real radical in this fight. Among other things, her platform called for doing away with the First Amendment — even George Will figured that one out.
“From Clinton’s nastiest aspiration,” he wrote Friday, “we are now safe. She promised Supreme Court justices who would reverse Citizens United, thereby eviscerating the First Amendment by empowering the political class to regulate the quantity, content and timing of campaign speech about itself. This will never happen (now).”
And yet Will still refused to vote for Trump. Talk about Trump Derangement Syndrome.
But here are some of the things President-elect Trump won’t be doing:
He won’t be suing lesbian bakers who refuse to bake cakes for Christian weddings.
He won’t be threatening to cut off federal funds to states like Massachusetts that have proudly opened women’s bathrooms to Levels 2 and 3 male sex offenders — Trump is a proponent of state’s rights, believe it or not.
He won’t use the IRS to revoke or delay the tax-exempt status of progressive nonprofits; there will be no right-wing Lois Lerners conducting PC political persecutions in a Donald Trump administration.
President-elect Trump won’t base scientific policy decisions on religious superstitions promoted by cults, the most prominent of which calls itself “climate change.”
He won’t be using executive orders and the EPA to shut down entire industries which employ mostly Democrats — the way President Obama has destroyed the Republican coal industry, based on “settled science,” which is neither settled nor science.
President-elect Trump won’t lie to you that you can keep your doctor, or your health care plan, or save $2,500 on your premiums, when in reality your premiums skyrocket 110 percent, while at the same time you can no longer afford your deductibles.
President-elect Trump won’t promote gun confiscation under the rubric of “commonsense” gun reform while simultaneously pardoning hundreds of convicted heroin-dealing gun felons.
Keep rioting, kids. Every car you set ablaze, every window you break, his poll numbers go up.
Listen to Howie 3-7 p.m. on WRKO AM 680.
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