Donald Trump is the greatest threat to human life since the Black Death.
As anyone who watches CNN or MSNBC knows, his policies have already murdered millions, er, billions, no make that trillions of people. It must be true, I saw it on Facebook.
Trump’s death toll is staggering. It’s one genocide after another — net neutrality, tax cuts, pulling out of the Paris “climate accords,” Brett Kavanaugh, the Muslim travel ban, ripping children from their mothers’ arms, etc., etc.
Who knew that full employment, a roaring economy and the destruction of ISIS could lead to the premature deaths of tens of millions of Democrats? But that’s what they’re saying on social — or should I say anti-social — media.
I just stumbled across a Twitter thread in which assorted moonbats are commiserating with one another over the assorted epidemics that have apparently devastated the non-working classes since Nov. 8, 2016.
It’s amazing there’s anyone even left alive to cash their trust-fund checks in places like Nantucket and Northampton, the plague is so pervasive.
Perhaps you’ve heard of the “freshman 15” — the fact that kids going off to college often put on weight. Now I read that physicians have isolated a new outbreak of obesity.
A woman named Catherine tweeted, “My doctor said, ‘Oh, I see you’ve gained the Trump 20.”
In other words, across the land, menopausal women in pink hats are having this conversation with their spouses: “Honey, does this president make my rear end look fat?”
Another woman, K-Town, claimed on the same thread that she has shattered four dental fillings since the election. You know, grinding her teeth in rage.
Alcoholism is likewise ravaging the Social Justice Warriors. Alisha tweeted about this conversation with her physician.
“Dr: ‘Huh, your sugars are high.’ Me: ‘Um, could it be the 1.5 bottles of wine I drink daily since Nov. ’16?’ ”
Barbara Bly: “I had to talk about sadness with my doctor and now take an anti-anxiety pill every day. It’s better than drinking myself stupid every night.”
Madison: “I regularly lie on my OBGYN’s depression questionnaire. Like, no I can’t sleep and I’m sad all the time but I know the cause and there’s nothing you can do unless you’ve got a time machine Dr. Reynard….”
Neil Scovell: “Last night, I was exhausted but while I was trying to sleep, all I could think about is how Trump would launch a nuclear attack just as a distraction. So much for sleeping.”
TechGirl: “When the doctor asked if I’m anxious, I said, ‘No, except for watching the President threaten nuclear war on Twitter.’ ”
Megan: “My therapist says the same thing! She said it’s worse than 9/11 with most of her patients.”
“Which is reasonable,” one of the rare male tweeters on this thread responded, “since Trump will ultimately kill more Americans than 9/11, even if he somehow manages not to start a nuclear war.”
Yeah, those tax cuts have really got me down, too. At stores, I keep reaching into my pocket for cash and all I find is some… crumbs.
Devin, another female, had a checkup with her GP in May, the first since Armageddon, I mean, the election.
“When she asked me how I was doing I just looked at her and shrugged. As the exam went on we would just throw out ‘do you believe X?’ Such is life in DC.”
Sometimes, the devastated Democrats discover something even more horrifying — their own physician is a deplorable straight out of Walmart.
Cynthia B described a “former” doctor of hers to whom she went for new meds — namely, a more powerful antidepressant.
“He proceeded to tell me he ‘suffered’ through 8 yrs of Obama. I could get over Trump. Oh, and told me to read Breitbart!”
In these Internet asylums, the inmates have developed a certain shorthand. They used to call 45 “Trumpski,” because he was, like, you know, controlled by Putin. But as even their corrupt FBI agent hero Peter Strzok has had to admit of the hoax investigation, “There is no there there.”
They used to call St. Petersburg “God’s waiting room,” because everyone was on death’s doorstep. Now the internet is God’s waiting room. The end is near. Half of Hillary’s voters may soon be dead of strokes or heart attacks, if they don’t first overdose on their antidepressants or trash their livers guzzling chardonnay in the morning.
Is there any effective treatment for Trump Derangement Syndrome?
Dr. Carr was going to suggest another possible cure for the moonbats’ depression: look at your 401(k) statements.
But then Dr. Carr realized, you have to have a job to have a 401(k). Never mind, moonbats. Go back to the bottle.
Buy Howie’s book “Kennedy Babylon” at howiecarrshow.com.
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