If you get an invitation to a dinner party, is it OK to ask whether the other guests have been vaccinated? If you’re told to return to the office, is it appropriate to ask your cubicle mate whether they’ve gotten a shot? Should you feel obligated to answer such questions if you’re on the receiving end?
When the coronavirus hit California, the message was pretty clear: don’t gather. Now, with more people receiving a vaccine and case numbers falling, many families, friends and coworkers are getting together for the first time in a year, raising some thorny questions that leave us trying to strike a balance between ensuring our personal safety and preserving relationships in this new normal.
“It’s everywhere, even in my own personal life, these questions have popped up,” said Syndi Seid, owner of Bay Area-based Advanced Etiquette, who has advised companies, colleges and individuals on how to navigate everything from corporate events to weddings.
It is acceptable to inquire about someone’s vaccination status with genuine interest in a respectful way, Seid said, particularly when your own health is at stake. You might try sharing that you struggled to find an appointment and inquire whether they’ve been able to find an open slot, for instance, rather than bluntly demanding to know whether they’ve gotten a shot.
Regardless, she says, be mindful of how you respond to what they say.
Consider the cubicle mate. Suppose she’s decided not to get the vaccine. Seid suggests employing something called the sandwich technique to respond — putting the meat of your response between two positive or agreeable points. You might say to your colleague: I can respect your opinion, however, I do believe in the vaccine. For the rest of the year, I don’t want to be in the company of anyone who has not been vaccinated. Please don’t take it personally, but I’ll request to be put in another cubicle for the duration of this pandemic. I’d love to come back because I’ve really enjoyed working with you.
That technique may also be helpful if you don’t want to answer a question about your own vaccination status, Seid said, with a response such as, “I know that’s a normal question a lot of people are asking, however, it’s not something I personally feel very comfortable answering. I hope you understand.”
That may work in some social settings, but there are situations where a more straightforward response is warranted, even mandated, said Charles Binkley, director of bioethics at the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics at Santa Clara University. He recently co-authored a magazine piece arguing that churches should require congregants to be inoculated, writing that “churches have an ethical obligation to protect the health of clergy, staff and worshipers. … It is morally irresponsible for churches to invite people to worship and receive the sacraments without taking all effective steps to minimize the risk.”
Binkley thinks the same rule could apply to the airline industry, noting that “there’s no ethical obligation to fly someone,” should they decline the vaccine. And companies will be able to require employees to get the vaccine. But, he thinks, companies mandating vaccination should use termination as a last resort for employees who refuse to get a shot.
“You try to figure out if there are workarounds,” he said, like allowing the employee to work from home. Some employees, he said, may have legitimate medical reasons for turning down the vaccine.
Lisa Grotts, an etiquette expert known as the “Golden Rules Gal,” thinks that rule — treat others as you want to be treated — is paramount, even in uncertain times.
“When life came to a screeching halt a year ago, it’s no surprise that the golden rule moved to the head of the line,” she said. “It was important to treat others the way we wanted to be treated: wear a mask, keep our distance and get vaccinated. The new normal is evolving with endless uncertainty. With COVID, we are still learning to adapt to change as new rules take root.”
But, Grotts said, people who opt out of getting a shot stand to be left behind when it comes to social interactions, international trips and more — and that’s ultimately on them.
“How will vaxxers versus anti-vaxxers interact with one another when we’ve all had our turn?” Grotts said. “From my perspective, the burden is on those who have not been vaccinated.”
As pandemic restrictions ease and more people begin to gather, it’s up to those in leadership roles to be as clear as possible, said Shashi Dosaj, founder of the California Institute of Etiquette. No making assumptions about how people will behave or leaving them in the dark.
“(Human resources) or the employer should be very transparent about policy,” Dosaj said.
Likewise, at bigger social gatherings, like weddings, it’s polite for the host to spell out what’s expected.
“I think the host has a responsibility to let the invited guests know the protocol,” Dosaj said. “They can at least let guests know that people will be wearing masks, so please wear a mask. Just like a dress code. I think that can alleviate a lot of tension.”
Still, comfort levels are going to vary. Dosaj, who has not hugged her grandchildren during the pandemic, recently told a good friend who is a known hugger ahead of a small outdoor party that she wasn’t comfortable embracing even after being vaccinated. The friend was understanding.
“You are in charge. Nobody is forcing you,” she said. “The bottom line to all of this is we need to be respectful.”
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We are treading on dangerous ground by doing this. Where does it stop? Can we ask about other guests showering habits? Do they have a contagious venereal disease? This shows how surreal the reaction to the pandemic was. The first thing that all the powers tried to destroy was trust in other people to care about you and your condition.
How’s about those who CAUSE O MEDICAL Issuses, can’t get the vaccine? ARE they also to get ostracized, and treated like 2nd class citizens????
“to strike a balance between ensuring our personal safety and preserving relationships in this new normal”. It is no ones business what I do in my personal life. Secondly, like this one Doctor stated on Fox News, if a person has gotten covid, getting the vaccine could be dangerous. So all of the psychology majors and George Orwell’s thought police, in communist California, can go to you know where!!!!! The Fake News can also go to you know where.
VE ARE THE BORG> yOU VILL be vaccinated. Resistance is futile!
People’s minds have been polluted and programmed over the past year to a point of non recovery and dependence on irrational thought
“Now, with more people receiving a vaccine and case numbers falling” Herein lies the BS, vaccines have very little if any to do with case drops, THE REASON FOR THE DROP IS THE CHANGE IN CYCLE RATES IN THE PCR TESTS. IF you are so confident in YOUR vaccine, that it is working, then aren’t YOU covered, isn’t that why YOU got the vaccine, to PROTECT YOURSELF? Rather than questioning ME, should you not be feeling sorry for ME because I may get the virus and die? Wake up people this is ALL “psychological manipulation” an attempt to turn people against each other, surly you remember stirring the pot between blacks/whites, men/women, LGBTQ/straight and ALL the other **** the leftist do to cause trouble, this is right out of the left’s playbook, turn vaxed against unvaxed. If people are so certain the vaccine works, that masks work, then it is not your problem, the problem is for the unmasked and the unvaxed. Myself, I have concerns, the case/death rates used to terrify the world into submission, were fake, the cheap, available cures, were hidden, after all, if there is a cure, there is no need for a vaccine. Is the vaccine to save us from the virus, or is the virus designed to get us to take the vaccine, you decide, I have. I have had the virus; I have had worse colds. It is none of YOUR business whether I have had the vaccine or not, remember HIPPA? HIPPA, also known as the “privacy rule.”
Exactly! If you have fallen for the experimental biologic agent hoax, you should have no worries about whether or not I have taken the shot. You’re covered, right? That makes my “vaccination” status none of your business.
HIppa.. What’s that. THE LEFT seems to feel that is merely a guideline that can be ignored when ever the situation warrants..
I only have one etiquette question: Can I punch a person who asks if I have been vaccinated?
All these responses have given me a good idea about how to respond to the question if I’m ever put on the spot. (Thanks, everyone!) If someone asks, I’ll respond with my own question: “Have you been vaccinated?” If they say “Yes,” I’ll say, “Oh, good, then it doesn’t matter to you whether anyone else has been vaccinated, because you’ll be safe.” And of course if it doesn’t matter to them, there’s no reason for me to share my medical history with them. Same if they try to claim that they’re concerned for other people — Me: “Then I’m sure if those other people are concerned they’ll already have taken the vaccine, or decided to take their chances. So everyone’s taken care of.”
Or I suppose I could just point out sweetly that HIPAA rules forbid anyone other than an attending medical staff to inquire into someone else’s medical history.
ANd if they still say “WE have a right to know”, i would respond “WHO THE HELL Gave you that right! Certainly not me!”