What a coup for Columbia University — getting interest from Hillary Clinton, even in her bitter dotage, to serve as the college’s “University Professor.”
You’d have thought she’d be a more natural fit at Camelot High. As the old joke goes, the Kennedy School is where you go to learn how to lose elections, and who better to teach the trust-funded little snowflakes how to lose than the woman who spent perhaps $3 billion to fumble away (badly) two of the most winnable presidential elections in U.S. history.
According to news reports last week, Columbia may even get an added bonus — possession of Hillary’s “archives.” Uh, does that include the 33,000 emails she deleted while they were under federal subpoena?
Odd, though, that Hillary has retained any “archives” whatsoever. You’d figure that she would have kept most of her records on flash paper — like the bookies used to — so she could have destroyed the incriminating evidence with a single match.
What will Hillary be teaching at Columbia? It’s unclear, although it was suggested that perhaps she’ll end up at the law school. After all, it only took her two tries to pass the notoriously easy D.C. bar exam — even though she’d just graduated from Yale Law.
The one course of Hillary’s that I’d pay serious money to attend would be Introduction to Cattle Futures. Remember, as first lady of Arkansas, with a little, ahem, help from a lobbyist, she won on 100 percent of her bets — 100 percent!
When that astonishing record became public, Hillary claimed she’d learned all her tricks from the Wall Street Journal column on cattle futures. Like many others, I started reading the column, to no avail. But this is why you go to college, right? To learn from experts.
Does Columbia have a home economics major? Think of what Hillary could add — Cooking with the Hot Sauce in My Purse, Advanced Wedding Planning, Intermediate Yoga Scheduling.
She could teach a reverse Dale Carnegie course. How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.
Hillary knows so much, about so many subjects, almost all of them tawdry and sordid.
Bimbo Eruptions 101, Family Foundations for Fun … and PROFIT!, Powering Through, Super Predators I Have Known, Whitewater Rafting, Dodging Enemy Sniper Fire in Bosnia, Managing Interns — from Monica to Huma.
She could reminisce about all the great Social Justice Warriors she’s hobnobbed with. Let’s start with: The Wit and Wisdom of My Dear Friend Harvey Weinstein.
Followed by: My Favorite Mentor: Exalted Cyclops Robert Byrd of the Ku Klux Klan.
You know how supposedly jocks always major in “basket weaving.” Hillary is an expert on baskets — she may have lost the 2016 election the night she started ranting about a certain class of Americans being placed in a basket by Donald Trump.
Sign up early, kids, for Hillary’s winter semester course: A Basket of Deplorables.
Another famous Ivy League celebrity prof, Albert Einstein, speculated about the possibility of time travel. Hillary knows a lot about that subject — after all, her parents traveled through time, to name her after Sir Edmund Hillary, five years before anyone outside his immediate family had ever heard of the first man to climb Mount Everest.
Or so she said. Of course, she also claimed she tried to enlist in the Marines in 1975. Another course: Misremembering the Past.
Hillary knows plenty about practical physics — Aerodynamics of Hurled Ash Trays vs. Lamps — Which Should You Throw at a Philandering Husband?
But Columbia’s law school is probably the best place for this failed lawyer (as opposed to failed candidate or failed diplomat).
First course: Readings in RICO (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization Act). That’s for the fall semester. In the spring, How to Quash a Slam-Dunk Federal Indictment.
Oh no, scratch that last one. That quashing-indictment course will be taught by James Comey, the ex-FBI director who never saw a corruption case involving a connected Democrat that he couldn’t broom.
Hillary Clinton’s email scandal will be the case study for Comey’s course, with such interesting angles as how to offer double immunity for the perp’s top aides, in return for absolutely nothing, not to mention coming to a conclusion not to indict the corrupt pol before gathering evidence or interviewing witnesses.
Can’t wait until Comey and Hillary run into each other in the faculty lounge. Hope Columbia has plenty of ash trays and lamps on hand, to make Professor Clinton feel at home.
Buy Howie’s new book, “Kennedy Babylon,” at howiecarrshow.com.
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