What if the liberals in Washington controlled college basketball?
By Frank Williams
March 26, 2009
Prior to the start of the NCAA Tournament, ESPN did a story on President Obama's choices in his tournament brackets. This led me to consider: what would college basketball look like if it were controlled by the liberals in Washington?
If the liberals in Washington controlled college basketball:
- They would eliminate the seedings. After all, calling someone a "16 seed" makes them "feel bad" when others are called "top seeds." Who gives the selection committee the right to judge?
- They would "redistribute the wealth" by forcing top teams to give up some of their players, forcing those players to play for teams that are "recruiting-challenged".
- The NCAA would enact a "stimulus" package, through which they would take money from successful programs and give it to those that cannot seem to field a good team.
- The liberals would bemoan the existence of the NIT tournament as an example of former Senator John Edwards' "Two Americas".
- The NCAA Tournament Selection Committee would be abolished, and every college that has a basketball team would be admitted to the tournament, regardless of their won
-loss record or on-the-court performance.
- Rather than playing closer to home as a reward for a good season, the teams we currently know as "top seeds" would be penalized for their success by being forced to play far away from home.
- The liberals would also penalize top seeds for their success by forcing them to subsidize travel expenses for their opponents' fans.
- All fans sitting in the lower section would be taxed 90% on the cost of their tickets.
- President Obama would appoint an "Officiating Czar" to make sure that both teams are called for the same number of fouls in every game.
- Instead of shooting free throws after a foul, both the player who committed the foul and the "victim" would be forced to enroll in on-the-court "anger-management" counseling. All play would cease until the counseling was completed.
- Head coaches at top programs would be prohibited from receiving bonuses or earning any outside income from endorsements or other sources.
- My personal favorite: all teams would be required to have at least four players under 5'-8".
- Coaches would be prohibited from requiring players to run laps if they perform poorly or violate a team rule. Instead, the entire team would be required to participate in a "self-esteem" workshop.
- Any mascot or university name with a Christian reference would be banned.
- Every team would get an identical trophy, regardless of whether they lost in the first round or won what we currently call the "championship."
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Frank Williams is a conservative activist and public relations practitioner in North Carolina. His personal Web site is www.frankwilliams.info.
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Note -- The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, and/or philosophy of GOPUSA.
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