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John Kerry's Sun Valley Serenade
By Lisa Fabrizio
April 1, 2004

John F. Kerry descended this week from the mountaintops and pleasure palaces of Idaho, doffed his designer ski duds, boarded his private jet and resumed his quest to be elected president on the 'common man' ticket.

The Francophile candidate and his African-American wife might have chosen any one of their five houses acquired through the Heinz family fortune for a week of restive vacation, but chose the ketchup castle in Ketchum in order to bolster Kerry's reputation as a he-man outdoorsman.

Unlike President Bush's last opponent, the taupe-toned Alpha male Al Gore, Kerry has cast himself in the image of dashing sportsman. From surfing to bicycling to Camelot-like football tossing, this JFK is out to prove he's no wonkish wimp. In an effort to shed his innate Frenchness on his way to Sun Valley, he even stopped off at a sporting goods store in Boston to buy an athletic supporter.

On arrival at his five million dollar cottage hard upon the Big Wood River, he donned his new Jacques strap along with a nifty blue ski parka and alien-looking sunglasses, hefted his trusty snowboard and headed out to hit the slopes.

After getting a first-run mulligan--not unlike the one he got from CBS producers last month at a press conference in Ohio where he was coached into more quotable sound bytes--reporters then watched Kerry fall on his derrière on his second trip down Mount Baldy.

When questioned afterwards, he blamed the fall on his Secret Service escort, using an obscenity which suggested that the agent was of dubious parentage, then proceeded to pompously pronounce, "I do not fall down." It was a highly illustrative example of a "let them eat cake" moment--an arrogance eruption of the sort that this photo-op of a ski-trip was designed to avoid.

As Kerry continued down the slippery slopes of Sun Valley, he took six or so more tumbles that were witnessed by reporters but oddly eluded the attention of photographers. Not so lucky was George W. Bush last summer when he started to fall off of a Segway scooter but managed to land on his feet. Photos and footage of the incident were seen worldwide for weeks.

No, the main serenades from the press corps at Sun Valley sang of his athletic prowess; "as serious a biker as he is a schusser" and his manliness; "a look of intensity on his face, his lanky frame bent low to the ground." All in all it had been a grand week of fair and balanced reporting as usual.

Scarcely a week before in the real world, lying, crooked Republicans confronted his campaign with reports of more foreign support for the UN-loving senator, including that of former Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad, a noted anti-Semite. After bragging that "foreign leaders" want him to beat Bush only a week earlier, the European-educated Kerry was forced to publicly renounce all foreign endorsements. In snowboard parlance, this frequent Kerry tactic is called a "fakie," a sometimes tricky move in which the boarder does a 360 and rides backwards.

When his idyllic Idaho retreat ended, it was on to the nation's capital for a DNC 'unity' fundraiser on Thursday where he was feted by past presidents Carter and Clinton as well as erstwhile Democratic contenders Gore and Howard Dean. The resulting photo-op resembled nothing if not a recruiting poster for the Chamberlain Wing of the Appeasement Hall of Fame. Their motto? "These colors don't run, they just hide."

In a speech that was flatter than the lines on his formerly furrowed forehead, their candidate of choice had some in the somnambulant audience longing for the fiery yet incredibly dull sermonizing stylings of Al Gore.

The only real love in the room came for prodigal son of the South Bubba who, while never delivering a win for anyone not named Clinton, is still looked to as the breadwinner for his party. Not a good sign for the party's nominee--a Northeastern liberal with no ideas and no charisma.

Next week, John Kerry will have surgery on an old shoulder condition he claims he re-injured on a bus trip during the Iowa caucuses. Some more cynical than I may suggest that the injury might have been occasioned by the unpleasantness on Mount Baldy. Still others think that he is due for his three-month Botox fillup and/or any number of various facial embellishments such as eyebrow-tweezing.

As for me, I'll go with the wear and tear caused by the Olympian handsprings required to be on both sides of every issue. Then again, it could be the fakies.

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Lisa Fabrizio is a freelance columnist from Stamford, Connecticut. You may write her at mailbox@lisafab.com.

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Note -- The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, and/or philosophy of GOPUSA.