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Politician Sperm Donors Could Tamper With Natural Order
By Doug Patton
January 17, 2005

When dealing week after week with topics of a deadly serious nature, it is sometimes necessary to simply lighten up. So, when the serious and the absurd converge, it is just too tempting to pass up. Thus, when a headline like, "Clinic Asks Politicians to Donate Sperm" crosses my desk, it cries out for an appropriate analysis.

It seems that due to dwindling supplies of sperm in Sydney, Australia, one in-vitro fertilization clinic has asked politicians to "lend a hand" (their words, not mine) and become donors.

As Dave Barry used to say, I am not making this up.

The Monash IVF clinic has written to 25 parliamentarians under age 45 in the state of Victoria, asking them to set an example for the rest of the male population by becoming sperm donors.

"We hope that if some of the leading role models within our community become donors, others may follow suit," the Monash letter said.

The clinic's medical director, Gab Kovacs, said that sperm stocks had been dwindling since a 1998 law went into effect requiring that only men who were prepared to have their identities released could become donors.

A Monash spokeswoman said the clinic had about 100 clients on its books and only 13 donors. As of this writing, the clinic has yet to report any responses from the politicians.

Now, I have worked in politics, and I just can't help but believe that asking politicians to donate sperm could very well constitute tampering with the natural order of things.

As one official told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio, "It could create a rather quarrelsome family."

Not only that, but think of the ramifications for future generations. Children born to this lineage could develop all sorts of strange habits later in life. Imagine an unsuspecting young lady marrying a man from this line. For three years out of every four, he would completely ignore her while raiding her purse and decreeing dozens of illogical rules that virtually paralyzed the household. Then, during the fourth year, he would take her to fancy restaurants, wine and dine her, buy her mink coats and diamond rings, make all sorts of ridiculous promises - and then tell her it's all free!

Humanity could be in very dangerous territory here. This could bring on unintended consequences of Biblical proportions - a genetic tsunami, if you will. Why, if this idea were to spread to the United States, we might be overrun with Ted Kennedys, Bill Clintons, Al Gores, John Kerrys or Howard Deans. ("Yee-ah!")

And to be completely non-partisan about it, imagine thousands of little Richard Nixons, Strom Thurmans, Jesse Venturas or Ross Perots running around. ("I wouldn't give ya two cents fer this job!")

And then what? Might the trial lawyers of America be asked to donate their sperm? Many of them are in politics already, but there are a million others who are not. Should we recruit them for a donation? Can't you just imagine the protracted discussions with those children at the dinner table. ("Fine, mother, if we can't reach an agreement, I'll see you in court!")

What about used car salesmen? Want a generation of little wheeler-dealers roaming the land? ("What would it take to put you into this little beauty today?")

The world will be watching as the lawmakers of Australia decide what to do about this dilemma. Will they respond to the Monash IVF clinic's appeal for donations, or will they save humanity from ever heading down this perilous road? Stay tuned.

In the meantime, in order to feel useful, perhaps they could pass a few dozen laws governing "political sperm."

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Doug Patton is a freelance columnist who has served as a speechwriter, policy advisor and communications director for federal, state and local candidates, elected officials and public policy organizations. His weekly columns are published in newspapers across the country and on selected Internet websites. Readers can e-mail him at dpatton@neonramp.com.

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Note -- The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, and/or philosophy of GOPUSA.