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Dan Rather Does History
By Doug Patton
September 20, 2004

Imagine for a moment that Dan Rather could climb into a time machine, go back through our nation's history and apply his strange form of arrogant "journalism" to earlier presidential campaigns:

August 15, 1792

Good evening, and welcome to another edition of "One Full Hour." Here, in the midst of our nation's second presidential election, explosive charges have been leveled against the integrity of President Washington. Documents obtained from unimpeachable anonymous sources tell the whole story: It seems that Mr. Washington once violated our nation's natural resources by chopping down a cherry tree. Additional documents show beyond a doubt that when confronted, Mr. Washington admitted to the violation.

We here at "See-BS News" are satisfied that these documents are absolutely genuine. However, some inside the president's re-election campaign have cast aspersions upon their authenticity. Something about finding Benedict Arnold's watermark on the parchment paper, combined with ink used in the ink wells of King George before the War of Independence.

Forgeries or no, the two-fold question that remains unanswered from this president is this: When did the president chop down that tree and was there anyone there to hear it fall? The documentation says yes. The president has said nothing. You be the judge. Join us again next time when we ask the question, "Are the president's teeth made from cherry wood?"

August 15, 1804

Tonight on "Truth or Fiction," we will explore the potentially damaging charges that President Jefferson spent fifteen million of our tax dollars to purchase the Louisiana Territory - just so he could have a summer home in a secret place called Idaho. Memos left in a jar on the front porch of your humble correspondent's plantation house accuse the president of sending two explorers - a Meriwether Lewis and a William Clark - to scout out the best places to build what is already being dubbed "The Western White House." Truth or Fiction?

Is it true, as is being alleged, that one mansion is not enough for this president? Just after See-BS News broke this story, groups in support of the president's reelection challenged the veracity of our memos, saying that a stain on them bore the distinct color and aroma of a rare Bordeaux found only in John Adams' wine cellar. As always, we here at See-BS News maintain our policy of assuming that any and all documentation in our possession is, in fact, genuine, and that the president is, in fact, guilty as charged. The memos have been challenged, but the accusations remain.

August 15, 1864

Good evening, and welcome to "Gotcha!" I'm your host, Daniel Rathernotknow.

Potentially explosive charges against President Lincoln have come to light this week as a result of papers sent to See-BS News Headquarters here in New York City. According to the sources behind these documents, which we believe to be real because we have them in our possession, Abraham Lincoln may well have led the nation into a senseless Civil War on the false premise that there are CSH (Confederate Slave Holders) in the South. See-BS News has investigated and found no credible evidence that CSH even exists in the South. Furthermore - and this is the most explosive charge of all - the Confederacy may never have had any CSH in the first place!

To divert attention away from the issue, President Lincoln's chief political strategist pointed out that Jefferson Davis was captured while hiding in a cave in the hills of Tennessee. The spokesman said: "Jeff Davis was himself a CSH! Isn't that enough for you people?"

Meanwhile, "Musket Loaders for Truth," a group supportive of the president and his war policy, called the See-BS memos "forgeries" because of the postmark from Illinois, the home of Sen. Stephen Douglas, the man Mr. Lincoln defeated for the presidency four years ago. Of course, Illinois is, after all, also the president's home state. Coincidence? We here at See-BS News will continue to think not until someone proves us wrong. Until then, this is Dan Rathernotknow for "Gotcha!"

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Doug Patton is a freelance columnist who has served as a speechwriter, policy advisor and communications director for federal, state and local candidates, elected officials and public policy organizations. His weekly columns are published in newspapers across the country and on selected Internet websites. Readers can e-mail him at dpatton@neonramp.com.

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Note -- The opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions, views, and/or philosophy of GOPUSA.