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Sgt. Joe Friday Meets Miranda Madness
By Doug Patton
January 13, 2003

Before the mid-sixties, zealous police officers sometimes overstepped the bounds of what today would be considered simple guidelines for guarding an individual's constitutional rights. In 1966, the courts handed down the so-called "Miranda" ruling, thus giving us the now famous lines, "You have the right to remain silent," etc., which each of us can now repeat by heart after having heard them thousands of times on TV crime dramas.

When I heard that 'Dragnet' was coming back to network television, and then read the absurd new twist a county judge in Helena, Montana, had put on the old Miranda warning, I thought about what Joe Friday might say on his way to a homicide call during a new recruit's first day on patrol in the city.

"Yeah, kid," old Joe might say as they drive to the scene of the crime, "it sure is different now than when I was coming up through the ranks, I can tell you that! We didn't have cell phones, fax machines or on-board computers in the squad cars. And we sure didn't have all this new Miranda nonsense!"

"We read about that at the academy," the new recruit might say. "What was it like back then?"

"A lot simpler," Joe would say. "Just a whole lot simpler. I mean, I remember when some cops would just badger a confession out of somebody, back in the days before the first Miranda. Now, I never thought that was right, and when Miranda came down in '66, it made things a whole lot cleaner and easier. I appreciated that.

"But this new ruling, coming down through some goofball county judge in Montana in 2003, well, that one just crosses the line. This was the same county that tried that nut ball, Ted Kaczynski-you know, the Unabomber. The ruling is crazier than he was! You'll see what I'm talking about when we read this suspect his rights."

Pulling up to the scene of the crime, Joe and his new recruit might enter an apartment to find the body of a woman lying on the floor, dead from stab wounds, and a docile suspect sitting in a chair, splattered with blood, his hands cuffed by uniformed officers at the scene.

"Did you Multi-Mirandize this suspect?" Sgt. Friday would ask one of the uniforms, only to be informed that they had saved that little duty for him and his recruit.

"Now listen carefully," Friday would tell the recruit, "because this can be tricky." Then, turning to the suspect, he would begin, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say here can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during any and all questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you, Sir?"

The suspect will look at Joe and nod his head.

"Sir, I need to have you listen carefully to what I'm about to say. Is there anyone else to whom I need to explain these rights? Are you now being treated or have you ever been treated by a psychiatrist for multiple personality disorder or schizophrenia? If so, how many other personalities have been identified within your mind? May we talk to them? Because according to recent court rulings, I have to inform them of their rights as well."

Think this little scenario can't happen in America? Guess again. It has happened. The ruling has been handed down by a county judge. If this little piece of judicial insanity works its way through the courts, we could have Sgt. Joe Friday practicing psychiatry on television. Stay tuned.