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Will the Real Harold Stassen Please Stand Up?
By Doug Patton
November 11, 2002

January 2003 - Washington, DC - This week, seven more candidates joined the race for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination, bringing the total to 33.

The early stampede began last month in response to Rep. Richard Gephardt, D-Missouri, who announced his intention to seek the White House immediately after being forced to resign as House Minority Leader because of 8 years of lackluster leadership.

"America needs a Democrat who knows the ropes," Gephardt had said at a news conference in St. Louis. "A Democrat who can lead the nation back from this extremist, right wing cliff toward which the Republicans are marching. A Democrat who can stop the erosion of government at the federal level. A Democrat who has been tried and found wanting...to do more. In short, I am that Democrat!"

"If Dick Gephardt can do it, so can I," said former President Jimmy Carter, who led the latest pack of candidates by throwing his hat into the ring for a long-delayed second term. Carter, who turns 80 this year, left office 22 years ago.

"I feel great," Carter said from Baghdad, where he is on yet another private peace mission certain to earn him a second Nobel Peace Prize. "And I have more experience at being found wanting than Dick Gephardt ever thought of having. Besides, there are some things I didn't get finished in my first term." Quizzed for specifics, Carter mumbled something about giving Manhattan Island and the Dakotas back to the Indians.

Not to be outdone, and fresh from his bruising six-day 2002 U.S. Senate race in Minnesota, former vice president Walter Mondale declared himself "reinvigorated and ready to rumble!"

"I was robbed!" Mondale fumed. "I demanded a recount last week, but the Republicans had gotten rid of all the ballots!" Asked if he really thought he had defeated Norm Coleman, Mondale sputtered, "No, I'm talking about '84!"

Another former nominee making a second run at the nomination was former Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis. Upon declaring his candidacy, Dukakis surprised some of his former faithful by moving to the right on at least one issue.

"I've changed my mind," Dukakis announced. "I've decided to seek the death penalty for that hypothetical rapist who might have murdered Kitty back in 1988. I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided that he deserves it."

Deriding the former Massachusetts governor as a "sell out," fellow Bay-state politico Rep. Barney Frank, D-Mass, announced his own bid for the White House. Frank said that if elected, he would declare Liberace's birthday a national holiday and give all federal employees that entire week off with double-time pay. This would be paid for by higher taxes on rich, white, straight men over fifty.

Former vice presidential nominee Geraldine Ferraro and former Rep. Patricia Schroeder announced that they were running as a team. Declaring 2004 "The Year of the Post-Menopausal Woman," Ferraro and Schroeder said that if elected they would take turns running the country while the other one traveled the world campaigning to make abortions "safe, legal and mandatory."

Finally, sipping a mint julep on his front porch swing during an unusually warm spell in Aiken, South Carolina, newly retired Sen. Strom Thurmond celebrated his 100th birthday by announcing that after nearly forty years in the GOP, he was once again becoming a Democrat.

"Ah have nevva seen sucha buncha rookies as this heah group," Thurmond drawled. "Why, ah was ahlreddy drawin' a paycheck when Jimmy Cahta was born! This heah Dem'crat Pahty ain't goin' nowheah lessen somebody leads it - an' ahm jes the fella ta do it!"

Thurmond, the last living politician to have received the votes of Civil War veterans, declared, "Ahm still in great shape! Wanna see me do a one-handed pushup?"

The other 26 candidates in the race - Gephardt, John Kerry; Al Gore; Joe Lieberman; John Edwards; Gary Hart; Lloyd Bentsen; Ted Kennedy; Patrick Kennedy; Robert Kennedy, Jr.; Kathleen Kennedy Townsend; Joe Biden; Martin Sheen; Mario Cuomo; Andrew Cuomo; Chris Cuomo; Barbra Streisand; all four of the Baldwin brothers; Tom Harkin; Al Sharpton; Gray Davis; Hillary Clinton and Dr. Phil - all agreed that it would be a long campaign season.