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Who Kidnapped My President?
By Doug Patton
July 15, 2002

I finally figured it out. All this time, I thought President Bush was trying to outpace his father in broken campaign promises. With a steady stream of liberal ideas flowing from the White House with the presidential stamp of approval all over them, I was beginning to think that Karl Rove had given up polling in favor of Hillary-style seances with Eleanor Roosevelt.

Then it hit me. Remember the movie "Dave" starring Kevin Kline as a presidential look-alike recruited as a decoy because he bears an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States? When the real president is suddenly stricken by a massive stroke, "Dave" is caught up in a fraud that fools even the First Lady - for a while.

That's it, my friends. Someone has kidnapped the man we elected and replaced him with a dead-ringer whose views are diametrically opposed to everything the real George W. Bush claimed to believe during the campaign.

Remember when the president choked on that pretzel? What if he went into a coma and has been replaced by a liberal look-alike?

For lack of a better name, we'll just call this wannabe president "Teddy."

Teddy has been busy promoting big-government-as-nanny. The bloated farm bill and the intrusive education bill, like all other incursions into areas where the federal government does not belong, are doomed to failure. But the beauty of self-perpetuating government is that when a program fails, it is never said to be faulty, only under-funded. Score two for Teddy. Then there is our suicidal immigration policy. I know that protecting our borders was an area where the real Bush was soft from the beginning, even calling for amnesty for illegal aliens nearly a year ago. But post-September 11th? Surely not. It has to be Teddy.

Campaign Finance Reform? The real Bush (at least I think that was him) made a specific promise to veto such an unconstitutional monstrosity. Surely, the consequences of such a broken vow would be fresh in his mind: "Read my lips...wouldn't be prudent."

Steel tariffs? The free trader from Midland would never have bought into that kind of big-union protectionism. Teddy, on the other hand, must love big labor.

Rewarding Yasser Arafat for his murderous ways by supporting the establishment of a Palestinian state could be dismissed as the influence of the always-squishy Colin Powell State Department. It could also be Teddy.

And what would the real Mr. Bush have had to gain by letting Powell go on MTV and tell teens to ignore the abstinence message in favor of "safe sex." If Teddy is a Dem, it has to be him.

Then there's the idea of the real Mr. Bush actually watching those MTV degenerates, "The Osbournes." Right. Teddy, on the other hand, must be an old Black Sabbath fan, judging by the way the "president" gushed over Ozzy at the White House correspondents' dinner.

As a liberal Democrat, Teddy is, of course, a big believer in the junk science of so-called global warming. Hence, the White House flip-flop on that issue.

Recently, a group of homosexuals seeking to change the definition of marriage for all Americans was welcomed at the White House and given audience with cabinet members and GOP congressional leaders. The Log Cabin Republicans were assured that their demands would be quietly met. Who is more likely to have perpetrated this insult on the grassroots of the Republican Party, Bible-believing family man Bush or liberal, anything-goes Teddy?

The president, we are told, plans to veto the bill passed by the House allowing pilots to carry handguns. You tell me: Would the man who signed legislation affirming the right of all law-abiding Texans to carry a concealed firearm have bought into that one?

Then, one day last week, I heard a speech by the president. He said that the United States would never agree to be a part of the International Court, and he demanded full immunity for all American military forces serving in U.N. peacekeeping missions anywhere in the world. He went on to say that the U.S. would begin withdrawing our troops from such missions if that immunity was not forthcoming.

I was so proud. A genuine affirmation of American sovereignty! Could it be that my theory was wrong? Or maybe I was right, but Mr. Bush had now awakened from his coma, hopping mad that so many stupid, liberal policies had been enacted in his name.

It was the next day, as the White House quietly reversed itself and said that our troops will stay right where they are, susceptible to the whims of international opinion, that I knew for certain that Teddy lives.