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The Tragedy of King Richard of Whittier
By Doug Patton
April 1, 2002

Once upon a time, there lived a fearful prince named Richard. For many years, he had served patiently in the shadow of the great Warrior King, who was beloved for his feats of heroism in The Greatest War.

But when his time came, the prince was denied the throne in favor of a handsome young noble named John, who haled from a very old city in the east. Richard was furious, and returned to his native province, where he attempted a coup against the sitting lord. But alas, that also failed, and as the battered prince road away into the sunset, he was heard to proclaim, "Nevermore shalt thou have Richard of Whittier upon whom to deposit thy boot!"

The years passed, and King John was felled by a mysterious assassin, only to be replaced by an oafish lout who plunged the country into war. The nation was rent asunder, and Prince Richard, who had waited for such an opportunity, seized the throne he had always coveted.

The strife continued for many years, and King Richard became convinced of a plot to overthrow him. He penned a list of enemies and swore vengeance against them, while gathering unto himself as much of the kingdom's gold as his henchmen could procure.

"Bring unto me the hard gold and the soft," he proclaimed, "that my coffers might overflow and my fears by assuaged!"

And the gold did flow, spreading corruption across the land and causing the king's enemies much distress. With but a modicum of incitement toward revolt, the people stormed the castle, throwing the king into the street.

Richard's loyal aide, a singularly unimpressive fellow known as Sir Gerald of the Grand Rapids, was allowed to sit upon the throne for a short time. He was followed, briefly, by a well-meaning but incompetent ruler, the Earl of Plains, haling from a poor southern peanut province.

Then, from out of the west, came a smiling crusader known as Ronaldus Maximus, Lord of the Great Western Province. Reviled by his foes but revered by the people, Ronaldus became larger than life after he relieved the terrible taxation of his predecessors and escaped the treachery of an assassin. His legend grew as he defeated the kingdom's greatest enemy, an empire so evil that when it fell, the entire civilized world rejoiced.

Ronaldus' heir was a competent man of high breeding, vast experience and very little vision. Haling from many places, he called himself George the First. He ruled well in war but taxed the people cruelly, and the length of his reign was as that of the Earl of Plains.

The dark rule of a crude but charming commoner followed. Aided by the distracting cry of "reform" from the Duke of Dallas (a fellow of small stature but great means), King Bubba of Hope, accompanied by his vindictive queen, rode through the castle gates before his subjects learned of his vague roots and suspect pedigree.

Heaping distinction upon himself for the prosperity in the land, King Bubba taxed his subjects without mercy. His lusts knew no bounds, and the castle became a den of debauchery. He and his wife took unto themselves the spoils of their corruption, while the people pretended to be unaware of their deceit. An attempt was made to remove him from power, but he was clever and brutal, and his reign was long and costly to the nation.

As King Bubba and his queen plundered the castle and looted the treasury, the echoing cries of "reform" could still be heard across the land.

Then a young ruler from an ancient dynasty came to power. His name was George II. His battle for the throne was hard fought. After vanquishing the legions of Lord John of the Southwest (known far and wide as the Great Whiner of the Upper House), he then defeated the forces of the treacherous knight known only as Sir Albert of the Beltway.

Shortly after assuming power, George II faced a great calamity. Fanatical hoards from the east attacked the kingdom, and like his father before him, George was forced to wage war.

The people, like their king, were distracted abroad, and failed to see the misguided internal enemies of the nation. The Great Whiner, still bitter from defeat and lusting after his own legacy, plotted with his cohorts to bring down the empire. Invoking the specter of the long-dead King Richard, whose corruption had brought such woe unto the land, Lord John cried "reform" once more unto the masses.

"All who rule are corrupt!" he shrieked. "We must tear down the entire kingdom to root out this duplicity!"

The enemies of the empire echoed his every word.

And the king turned his head from the face of his nation and did listen to the ghost of King Richard of Whittier, speaking through the mouth of Lord John, the Great Whiner, and the kingdom was brought low.